Conflict is a part of life. Whether it’s a disagreement with a co-worker or a heated argument with a loved one, conflict is something that we all experience. While conflict can be uncomfortable, it doesn’t have to be negative. Why? Because conflict is an opportunity for growth, learning, and understanding. 

Here's the key to successful conflict resolution: move away from conflict avoidance to a place where you no longer fear the consequences of addressing conflict with others. Having the right conflict resolution techniques in your communication tool kit will allow you to do just that.

Here is a selection of my top 5 TEDTalks on conflict resolution. They will offer some great insight into the fundamentals of conflict and equip you with techniques you can start using today to resolve conflict in your professional and personal life.

Recognize that, sometimes, we make conflict "unresolvable." 

Have you ever been in an argument that just goes on forever? You think you've resolved the disagreement, but the issue keeps resurfacing. No matter how often you address it, the conflict doesn't go away.

In this talk, Dr. Jennifer Goldman-Wetzler explains how conflict becomes self-perpetuating. We develop conflict habits as we scramble to figure out how to continuously resolve workplace conflict or remain laser-focused on resolving conflict with a loved one. Sometimes those habits get in the way of actually resolving things. These habits can include avoiding conflict or passing the blame to the other person. Our conflict habits naturally interact with the other person's, and we become stuck in a conflict loop where the core issue never gets resolved.

The first step to resolving conflict is to break out of the loop by becoming aware of your conflict habits. Those habits are rooted in the emotions and values at play during the conflict. Sometimes these emotions and values hijack us. In the past, these emotions and values may have served us well. For some reason, they are getting in the way here. Only by taking the time to observe the situation and the people involved, and listening to your emotions, can you hope to break unhealthy conflict patterns and move towards resolution.

Quit being “nice” as a coping mechanism.

Amy Gallo alerts us to the fact that there are two fundamental human truths - (a) when we are under stress, we do not think clearly and, (b) we all want people to like us. When we think of conflict as cruel, unkind, or hurtful, we develop conflict patterns that lead us to avoid it altogether. No one wants to be seen as the "bad guy" so we often look to an option that is easier to swallow - not addressing conflict at all. [Are you a leader with nice-guy-its?] However, this leads to us essentially lose our voice, and it is only when we take back the power to disagree that we can finally learn about productive conflict. Productive conflict resolution:

• Is performed with kindness and compassion.

• Involves mindfully preparing for conflict communication, trying to gain insight into the other person's perspective

• Approaching the conversation with a sense of purpose.

Proving yourself right is not a big enough goal for engaging in conflict. (In fact, it is the WORST possible goal for actually resolving conflict.) 

Instead, take time to assess what you really want and need from the conversation. Then you can be more focused and flexible in a disagreement. Amy ends her TEDTalk with a mantra, "sometimes people are going to be mad at you, and that's okay", providing us with a refreshing perspective that gives us permission to not always be "nice".

Stop internalizing conflict.

In a similar vein, Dr. Dave Thornsen notes that conflict avoidance is almost always responsible for communication breakdown. Understanding that good communication is the basis for any successful relationship, it is clear why knowing how to resolve workplace conflict and using conflict resolution techniques in the home is essential. Dr. Thornsen explains that you are internalizing the conflict by not expressing how you feel about a disagreement. When you internalize conflict, you take on all the thoughts and emotions, leading to a damaged sense of self, which then bubbles up as resentment (yuck). When you don't share your thoughts with someone, simply to avoid conflict, you instead give them misinformation. That puts them in a position to make decisions that can not reflect your wishes or needs. By keeping your hurt feelings to yourself, you may rob the other person of the information they need to solve the conflict.

Only through honest and open communication can we maintain healthy relationships with others, prioritizing transparency over the potential reaction you might receive. The result is not increased conflict in your relationships. Rather, you have the same amount of conflict. But now it's out in the open and ready to be resolved.

Reframe conflict as an opportunity for growth.

Labor Organizer, Jess Kutch, gives us an excellent insight into how to resolve workplace conflict by embracing its potential for growth. When we recognize that there are power dynamics at play in the workplace (this applies to the home, too), we can start to see the shifting landscape of our relationships and where we might be able to have more impact. Too often, employees allow conflict to fester because they are afraid of rocking the boat. As leaders, we see might conflict as threatening the equilibrium. However, by shifting our perspective and viewing conflict as an opportunity for growth, we can start to change the way we interact with others. When we see conflict as an opportunity, we can frame the other person not as an adversary but as someone with whom we can learn and grow. Jess explains that productive conflict in the workplace is healthy; having employees challenge policy and processes only reveals that they care enough to advocate for change. Being able to embrace and manage the uncertainties that come with workplace conflict, leads to a more innovative, agile, and resilient organization.

Look for the “beauty” in conflict.

Finally, Clair Canfield, shines a light on how we can find beauty in conflict. When we see conflict as something full of nuance and richness, we can start to find the possibilities for transformation and the opportunities to learn more about the other person. Clair asks us to imagine conflict not as something to be avoided but as something to be curious about and engaged in. When we find beauty in conflict, we are more likely to be open to the idea of transformation in ourselves and in the other person. Here are four takeaways that I appreciated:

• Conflict is seldom about the thing you think it is about.

• Ask for what you need

• Let go of what you can't control

• See conflict as an opportunity to create a more fulfilling relationship

The next time conflict presents itself to you, either in the workplace or at home, try to take some time to observe the situation before reacting. See if you can find a different perspective that will allow you to see the conflict not as a problem but as an opportunity for growth. Be brave and vulnerable enough to examine your own conflict habits, and see where you might be able to make some changes to break the conflict loop and start making your way toward real conflict resolution. Remember that the goal is not to avoid conflict. The real goal is to work on resolving conflict in a way that transforms it into something full of beauty, possibility, and growth.

Influence Coaching is dedicated to building resilient leaders who are able to navigate the challenges of conflict with optimism and authenticity. Book a free discovery conversation to learn how you can start making conflict work for you.