How to Use a Designed Alliance to Build Successful Relationships
If there's one thing about relationships that is true, it's that they can be hard to initiate, manage, and maintain. Whether it's a friendship, romantic relationship, or working relationship, there are always going to be challenges that arise. But the good news is that leadership coaching presents tools and proven techniques that we can use to overcome these challenges, enhance our conflict management skills, and cultivate positive, long-lasting relationships both in the workplace and in our personal lives.
A designed alliance is one of these tools, working off the insight that human nature loves boundaries. Have you ever heard the saying, "You need to start the way you want to proceed"? This is what a designed alliance essentially does; it establishes boundaries and expectations up front so that everyone knows where they stand and what they need to do to in order for the collaboration to succeed.
Better yet – designed alliances identify potential pitfalls because they make sure there are no “unspoken assumptions” about how things are going to work. If you’ve ever had a situation where what was “common sense” for you was not common sense for someone else, then you discovered one of the many reasons that we need to create designed alliances – because common sense is not so common!
If this sounds overwhelming, worry not! A designed alliance can be as simple or complex as you want it to be. In this article, I'll outline everything you need to know about how to initiate and put one into practice, and I'll even provide you with a designed alliance template that you can use to get started.
Designed Alliance: Explained
So, what exactly is a designed alliance, and how can it benefit leaders at home and at work?
A designed alliance is a deliberate and thoughtful process for creating successful relationships. It is a framework that you can use to identify what you need and want from a relationship, and it can be modified and adapted to fit any situation. Simply put, it's an agreement between two or more people that establishes guidelines and expectations for how they will interact and collaborate.
The key to a successful designed alliance is that it is mutually beneficial; meaning, all parties involved must feel like they are getting something out of it. This could be anything from a better working relationship and increased productivity levels to having more involvement in the home and working to improve communication skills.
Collaboration Benefits: A Win-Win For Everyone
There are countless benefits that come with using a designed alliance to build the foundation of a successful relationship.
Improve Communication Skills
When you take the time to sit down and talk through your expectations, needs, and wants with another person, you're automatically increasing the level of communication in the relationship. This is because, with the right intentions set, you're more likely to listen to each other and really hear what the other person is saying, rather than making assumptions. Additionally, by openly communicating your thoughts and feelings, you're setting the precedent that it's okay to do so in the future, and encouraging continuous open dialogue.
Establish Trust and Respect
Mutually beneficial relationships are built on a foundation of trust and respect, and a designed alliance can help to establish this from the outset. When you’re clear about your expectations and what you need from the collaboration, it shows that you respect the other person enough to want to work together to achieve success. This, in turn, will help to build trust and will naturally avoid placing all of the responsibility for the success of the relationship on one person. Having your expectations and needs out in the open also eliminates any guesswork and can help you to move from conflict to collaboration if an issue does arise.
Boost Productivity and Creativity
When you have a strong, open working relationship, it's easier to get things done. This is because you can rely on each other and trust that the job is in good hands. Additionally, healthy working relationships often allow for more creativity and innovation, as people feel more comfortable sharing ideas and experimenting with concepts. Establishing healthy team norms such as initiating designed alliances before starting a project can help to ensure that everyone feels heard and safe in the workplace, which will increase productivity in the long run and reduce high employee turnover.
At Influence Coaching, we work to achieve Stress-Less Leadership by using proven methods and frameworks such as designed alliances to enhance your leadership style and improve your relationships so that you can lead with confidence and agility.
Putting it into Practice: Practical Examples of a Designed Alliance
In the Workplace
Let's say you're a manager who wants to establish a designed alliance with your direct report. You might sit down with them and identify the areas where you would like to see improvement or avoid challenges, such as focusing on effective communication skills or meeting project deadlines consistently. You would then agree on what specific steps that need to be taken in order to improve the working relationship, such as agreeing on things like daily check-ins, regular feedback sessions, and specific goals that you want to achieve together. Doing this will not only help you to build a better working relationship, but it will also make you a more effective leader that employees can look to for guidance and support.
In your Personal Life
If you're in a romantic relationship and you want to use a designed alliance to improve your communication, you might sit down with your partner and agree on things like taking turns talking, listening without interrupting, weekly marriage meetings, and showing more empathy. You might also want to agree on a signal that either of you can use when you need a break from the conversation. This could be something as simple as raising your hand or saying the word "time-out." By using a designed alliance in your personal life, you can proactively address challenges, avoid misunderstandings, improve on conflict management, and build a stronger, more loving relationship.
Getting Started: A Designed Alliance Template
It might sound simple in theory, but designing an alliance can take some practice. If you’re not sure where to start, try using this designed alliance template as a starting point and then adapt it to fit your specific needs.
1. State the purpose of the designed alliance.
In the workplace, the key to setting the right tone for a designed alliance conversation is to position yourself as a partner with a voice, not simply a tool for getting work done. Similarly, in a personal relationship, you want to focus on positioning yourselves as collaborators, not adversaries. At Influence Coaching, we use a range of leadership coaching strategies to help you identify your leadership style and step into new ways of leading that allow you to position yourself as a trusted partner that your team or partner can rely on.
Lay the foundation for the conversation with phrases such as:
"What are your personal goals with this relationship / collaboration?"
"What are we hoping to achieve by working together?"
"Why is this process important to you?"
2. Discuss your needs and expectations
Be honest about what you need and expect from the relationship. This can be difficult, but it's important to be direct in order to avoid misunderstandings later on.
In the workplace, you might say something like:
"I need to be able to rely on you to meet deadlines."
"I need honest feedback, even if it's difficult to hear."
"I need more frequent check-ins so that I can stay up-to-date on your progress."
In a personal relationship, you might say:
"I need to feel like my opinions and feelings are valued."
"I need more quality time together without distractions."
"I need you to be more patient when we're dealing with conflict."
Don't forget to ask questions too. This will help you to get a better understanding of your partner's needs and expectations.
In a working relationship, you might ask:
"What do you need from me in order to be successful?"
"What can I do to help you feel more comfortable sharing your ideas?"
"What would make it easier for you to meet deadlines?"
In a personal relationship, you might ask:
"What do you need from me to feel loved and supported?"
"What can I do to help you feel more heard and understood?"
"What would make it easier for you to communicate your needs?"
3. Identify the areas where you want to improve or avoid challenges.
Now that you know what you both need and expect from the relationship, it's time to identify the areas where you want to improve or avoid challenges. It's important to first acknowledge what is working. You might say something like:
"I really appreciate the way that you…"
"I'm glad that we've been able to… "
"It works when...."
Then , identify the areas where you want to make changes. You might say:
"I would like to work on… "
"I think we need to change the way we…”
"I'm having a hard time with… "
"Can we please try… ?"
4. Agree on specific steps that need to be taken in order for the relationship to work.
The next step is agreeing on specific steps that you’ll want to take or implement to see the designed alliance succeed. This could involve making changes to the way you communicate, setting boundaries, or creating systems and processes.
Some examples of specific steps that could be taken in a working relationship are:
"I will check in with you every day at 10am so that you can give me an update on your progress."
"I will send you a daily list of the tasks I have completed by the end of the day at 5pm."
"I will give you honest, constructive feedback on your ideas, even if I think they're not fully formed yet."
In a personal relationship, some examples of specific steps that could be taken are:
"I will communicate my needs and expectations to you directly and respectfully, without waiting for you to guess."
"I will be more patient with you when we're dealing with conflict by counting to ten before I react."
"I will spend at least 30 minutes with you every day without any distractions."
5. Set a timeframe for review.
Finally, set a timeframe for review. This will help you to assess whether or not the steps you've agreed on are working. It's important to be flexible with the timeframe, as it may take some time to see results. A designed alliance is not a one-time conversation, but rather an agreement that you will continue to uphold over time. Remaining agile and being willing to adjust the steps based on what's working (or not working) is key to making a designed alliance successful.
A review might involve checking in with each other at regular intervals (weekly, bi-weekly, monthly, etc.), setting specific goals to achieve together, or simply reflecting on how things are going.
Some examples of questions you might ask during a review are:
"What's working well? What's not working so well? "
"What challenges have you faced since we last spoke? How did you overcome them?"
"What goals did you achieve? What goals do you still want to work on?"
"What did you learn from the experience of working on this goal together?"
6. Celebrate your successes!
Acknowledging when things are going well is an important part of maintaining a healthy, positive relationship. When you reach a goal, take a step back and reflect on what went well and why. This will help you to identify the strategies and methods that are working so that you can replicate them in the future. It's also important to celebrate your successes together. This could involve something as simple as taking a break to have coffee with your colleague or going out for dinner with your partner.
To help you remember the process, think of four A’s – Ask, Agree, Act, and Assess.
Ask questions to clarify what you want to accomplish and why it is important.
Agree to what you will do, why it matters, and how you will do it.
Act on your agreement and do what you said you would do (D.W.Y.S.Y.W.D.)
Assess what happened. Remember to “inspect what you expect,” celebrate your successes, and highlight lessons learned for moving forward.
Achieving Sustained Success
Maintaining a designed alliance requires continuous effort, but the rewards are well worth it. Leadership coaching or team coaching can help you to foster healthy, productive relationships within your organisation or team and achieve long-term growth and success.
Accredited by the International Coaching Federation, Dr. Stan Ward is a highly experienced leadership coach who has worked with clients from a range of industries and sectors. He is passionate about partnering with leaders to help them overcome challenges, achieve their goals, and reach their full potential, both in the workplace and in their personal lives.
If you would like to learn more about how Stan can help you to build successful relationships and achieve sustained success, book a free discovery conversation to explore how leadership coaching can help you to reach your goals.