Replace the switch with a dial.
Photo by sploshd @ Unsplash.com.
Here’s a typical pattern for “nice guy leaders.”
They accommodate - trying to be respectful of the people they work with or be a servant leader.
Over time, resentment builds.
The resentment builds to where they can’t stand it anymore. So, they finally speak up. When these “nice guys” finally speak up, it becomes a “blow up.”
These leaders then feel guilt and shame about how they handled the situation. That guilt stays with them. They decide not to speak up the next time they experience resentment. Then, one day they blow up about another issue, and the pattern repeats itself.
“Accommodation” is not always a bad communication strategy when dealing with conflict. When used well, healthy accommodation:
helps you appear to be more reasonable,
helps you admit when you are wrong,
and helps you know when to “move on.”
The challenge for “nice guys” is that they tend to overuse this communication style. As a result:
their preferences get ignored,
their perspectives go unheard,
and their departments appear undisciplined.
What’s happening here?
In effect, these leaders have a “switch” for dealing with conflict. They either “accommodate” or “explode.” There are no other options for them. They don’t like exploding. So, they stay in the accommodating mode until the pressure builds up so much that their switch gets flipped.
The good news - there are other options.
I encourage nice guy leaders to develop a “dial” that replaces the switch. We change a conflict management strategy that goes instantly from DEFCON 5 to DEFCON 1. When we do this, conflict becomes less painful - both for them and for those they lead.
Here are other benefits of having a dial.
It creates more options.
It helps leaders match the needs of the moment.
It empowers them to be assertive without being asinine (a fancy word for “ass-like”).
Photo: @ansgarscheffold on Unsplash.For example
One client found himself constantly accommodating a business partner. This continued even when that partner’s repeated bad decisions created more work for my client. That work caused stress that also affected the client’s family. It felt like the range of options was either to keep putting up with the behavior or do the work solo. (A switch approach).
When the client considered using a dial, he discovered that he could address the business partner’s behavior in a way that didn’t make him feel like a jerk. He had the conversation, and he got the results he needed.
For reflection
Do you walk away from conflict thinking, “I could have handled that better”?
How would using a dial help you with that?